Writing, motherhood, and weird life turns

It’s been almost two years since I wrote my last blog post. And boy, things have changed.

Baby boy, to be exact.

I was feeling pretty down on myself in my last post. I was also — hey — about three months pregnant and constantly sick. So in hindsight, that makes sense. But I was also really stuck on the fact that I’d put a huge amount of energy into writing a novel that was my best one yet, and it wasn’t going anywhere.

So I quit writing. I didn’t have it in me. For all my past talk about “writing’s hard, you just gotta push through” — I couldn’t. All the self-discipline in the world wasn’t getting those words out of me.

Part of me thought, “Okay, this is fine. My mind and body only have energy enough for growing a human being. If I start another novel now, I’ll give birth before it’s finished, and then I’ll have to put it on ice for months as I adjust to being a new mom, and that’ll kill the project anyway.”

That was fine.

this is not fine

I did the thing. I gave birth to a baby boy, seven pounds, one ounce. I enjoyed my maternity leave. Then I grew restless. I wanted to get back to my job. I did.

And then my brain latched on to an idea and it was happening. I was writing a novel again.

As of last weekend, I finished the first draft of my fourth novel, a middle grade fantasy.

It’s a funny thing, life. I guess I only had room for one big project in me at a time. (God forbid I ever have twins.) But I was pretty sure I would never write another novel again. I was that demotivated and hopeless.

But then I did.

Writing with a 10 month old isn’t easy. Time is scarcer than ever. But you get it done. The words are bad, and you hate them, but they go down on the page.

And then you have a novel.

When you feel discouraged about your writing

writing hard

Last week, I was feeling overwhelmed by the writing process. Finishing a book takes a long time. First, you have to write it and take a pass at editing. Then you have to enlist critique partners to point out the problems you can’t spot yourself, which also requires that you devote time to their manuscripts. Then, before you begin the querying process, which can take months, you should probably show your novel to some beta readers to gauge how regular readers (not writers) would react to your book if they picked it up in a bookstore.

It’s easy to feel like all of this is too much of an investment. If you might have to write three, five, ten manuscripts before you get published, then why waste so much energy on a single book?

You can get caught up in thinking it’s going to take forever before you get good enough to publish, and then what if you never do?

Here’s the thing. Writing isn’t about getting published. It’s not even about talent. It’s about hard work and persistence. You should write because you love to write, because you don’t ever want to stop, not because you care about whether a group of people believe your work is “marketable” or whether it’s the next New York Times bestseller.

I know that’s a hard thing to hear because, holy shit, does writing take a lot out of you. I’ve been working on my current WIP for over a year. For a lot of that time, I didn’t necessarily keep to a strict writing or revising schedule — although I’m doing a lot better than I did with my first completed novel, which took me over three years to revise and even longer to realize that I was procrastinating because I didn’t feel passionate about it (a good sign that it sucked and I needed to move on to a new project).

Now I’m setting my writing/revising schedule at the beginning of the week using Any.do and planning out my goals per quarter. Because I want to finish this thing, no matter how long it takes. Even if it doesn’t end up being my debut and attracting an agent and publisher, that’s okay. Because just going from my last manuscript to this one, I can see how much my skills have grown. And I know that I’m going to get even better — so it won’t be quite so much work the next time around. Hopefully, my next story will be even more enjoyable to read, too, because I’ll have gotten better at all the things I’ve been struggling with.

So if you’re feeling down about your writing, tell yourself to shut up. Then pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to some chocolate or beer or whatever makes you happy. Because even if you can’t believe it right now, one day you’re going to get there — to that wonderful moment of seeing your book on somebody’s shelf. You just have to stick with it.

believe in magic